Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
