My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Fuck appropriateness.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
