Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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