wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
