I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
