My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
a search helicopter?!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
