Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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