Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize