My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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