Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
