he was CRYING into my vagina
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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