everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm getting married
To pizza
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize