i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
