Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
