The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
