I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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