I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
