Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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