i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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