So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
