Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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