this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
