Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
