I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Its about making memories worth repressing
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We smell like vodka and hangover
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