I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize