Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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