I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize