It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
