dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
