there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
