I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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