Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
