you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
