I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
