Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
