I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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