I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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