please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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