see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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