I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
