He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
