Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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