I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
