I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
