my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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