He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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