remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
