do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
