how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
