things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
