A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
