thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
