i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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