Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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