FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
