My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
