I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
