i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
