ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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