I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
