Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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