I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
