Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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