i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
